Feeling Behind in Life

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Have you ever felt like you’re behind? Something like, “I’m 35, so I should have a house, kids, an education, a better job, be able to cope with my emotions better, or not be so insecure?” This idea of being behind is prevalent in so many conversations I have both personally and professionally, which is why it’s today’s topic!

Ready to dive in?

Why do many highly sensitive people feel like they’re falling behind?

Many highly sensitive people (HSPs), especially millennials, feel like they’re behind because their lives don’t match the expectations they’ve held for years. They, and perhaps you, may feel lost, broken, tricked, or simply inadequate and not set up for success. You might even blame yourself, recognizing that you’re often in your own way.

But perhaps you’re not entirely to blame. Much of your behavior, blame, inner criticism, and even expectations were handed to you—it’s social or societal conditioning.

How does social conditioning contribute to feeling behind?

Social conditioning involves the slow drip of conscious and subconscious thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors passed down from parents, teachers, religious/community/political leaders, bosses, colleagues, and even friends. We adopt these as our own.

This perpetuates ideals that don’t consider larger issues like trauma, systemic imbalance and injustice, bigotry, social and economic disparity, and educational and socioeconomic advantage. These factors significantly affect our lives and contribute to the feeling of being behind.

Why is deconditioning from self-sabotage important for highly sensitive people?

These behaviors keep us from showing up confidently and authentically in our lives. They prevent us from living the lives we want and crave and from creating meaningful connections with ourselves and others.

The good news is we can decondition from these behaviors, and we must if we are to fully embrace our sensitive traits and teach the world to be softer and kinder.

How does social conditioning shape my perceptions of success and failure?

Social conditioning puts us in comparison mode, fostering a mindset of lack and scarcity. If we constantly feel behind and need to hustle, we are more likely to burn out and continue self-sabotaging behaviors, maintaining societal power structures. This is evident in workplaces, politics, and religions—any place demanding “dedication” and “loyalty” through sacrifice and service.

How do societal pressures make me feel like I’m falling behind?

If you’ve ever felt pressured to get married, have kids, get a prestigious job title or salary, or buy a house, you’ve experienced the consequences of social conditioning.

Imagine for a moment that things like housing, food, rest, healthcare, kindness, and companionship were guaranteed for everyone. Imagine guardians and teachers nurturing and normalizing the traits you currently see as problematic. Would you still feel behind?

Can social conditioning contribute to self-sabotaging behaviors that exacerbate these feelings?

The feeling of being behind is exacerbated because we’re told we should want certain things. Instead of examining these desires for ourselves, we accept societal expectations. By challenging these conditioned beliefs, we can better understand what we genuinely want and reduce the self-sabotaging behaviors that keep us feeling behind. Recognizing that how we think about these things disrupts our ability to build the lives we want for ourselves is key.

How can I overcome these conditioned self-sabotaging behaviors?

Social conditioning and self-sabotaging behaviors like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and procrastination result from how we think about ourselves and our situations. If we blame our social conditioning (parents, teachers, leaders, etc.), we place ourselves in a victim mentality. However, acknowledging social conditioning as something we innocently took on allows us to create change. This recognition fosters compassion, which provides a sense of ownership and empowerment, leading to more contentment, peace, and resilience.

Examine where you want to place blame and ask yourself: if blame cannot be placed, how do I want to tell this story?

Part of this process is grieving that we’re not who other people made us out to be or that we’re not the version of ourselves that we thought we should be. Unless we acknowledge and process this grief, we’ll continue to self-sabotage and stay stuck.

What’s possible when I start feeling like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be?

Allowing others to own their own thoughts, feelings, actions, and results is liberating! You don’t have to worry about what they’ll think of you. You don’t have to worry about how you’ll be perceived. You tune into yourself, know your intention, are confident that you can clarify any misunderstandings, and you speak up and go after what you want, all while encouraging others to do the same.

You stop feeling behind because you stop holding yourself back.

How to Cultivate Acceptance to Stop Feeling Behind

• Start by practicing self-compassion—recognize that it’s okay to feel behind, and that this feeling doesn’t define your worth or mean that you are actually behind. The world today is not the same as it was or has been sold to you.

• Shift your focus from what you haven’t achieved to what you have accomplished, no matter how small it might seem.

• Embrace mindfulness to stay present, appreciate the progress you’ve made, and trust that you’re exactly where you need to be.

• Surround yourself with supportive people who celebrate your individuality and encourage your personal growth and independence.

• Acceptance isn’t about giving up on your goals; it’s about finding peace with your current state, which creates a solid foundation for moving forward.

Let’s Wrap It Up

Succinctly, here are the things I hope you take away from today:

• Acknowledge societal influences without letting them define your self-worth.
• Challenge your conditioned beliefs.
• Focus on cultivating self-compassion and authenticity.

Practically applying these strategies involves setting realistic goals that align with your values, practicing mindfulness to stay grounded in the present, and surrounding yourself with supportive individuals. Remember, your journey is unique, and the only timeline that matters is your own. By embracing where you are now, you can stop feeling behind and start living a life that genuinely fulfills you.