Unnecessary Pain: How Highly Sensitive People Can Stop Fighting With Reality

A post for highly sensitive people, introverts, and empaths on recognizing resistance, accepting reality, and reducing unnecessary emotional suffering.

---

Prefer an audio version?

Check out the corresponding Sassy, Soulful, & Sensitive podcast episode!

---

Why Do Highly Sensitive People Experience So Much Unnecessary Pain?

What if 50% of the pain you feel as a highly sensitive person is completely unnecessary? I’ve discovered that for most HSPs, this is actually true.

This is why I I want to talk about unnecessary pain – something that continues to pop up in my coaching sessions and has been rolling around in my mind for months: how much unnecessary pain we put ourselves through as highly sensitive people (HSPs).

Because as I’m coaching, so much of what happens—like in my own journey, especially when I was going through depression, but particularly outside of that—there’s so much unnecessary pain because we’re fighting with reality.

How Highly Sensitive People Can Stop Fighting With Reality

When I’m talking about “fighting with reality”, I mean we’re telling ourselves stories that aren’t based in facts. As HSPs, we often create narratives that directly contradict what’s actually happening, causing intense emotional suffering.

As you consider your experiences, I invite you to identify: what are the actual facts here?

For highly sensitive people, it’s important to acknowledge our tendency to be very emotional. We often feel like we’re at the mercy of our feelings. I want to offer that this doesn’t have to be a problem. Some schools of thought say we control our emotions. Others say we don’t. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter.

What Happens When HSPs Make Their Emotions “Wrong”?

The crucial point is that we don’t make our emotions wrong. When we judge ourselves for things we can’t control—that’s what creates problems and unnecessary pain.

This leads to resistance and thoughts like “it shouldn’t be like this” or “I should have done something different.” The case of the shoulds—shoulding all over yourself. These thoughts create unnecessary suffering for sensitive people.

If you’re in a situation thinking, “okay, this is happening and I don’t like it”—feel your feelings. You don’t have to like what’s happening. No one’s asking you to like it. But what are you asking of yourself in that moment?

But when we clearly identify what’s in our control versus what isn’t, there’s tremendous power and freedom. I know it sounds incredibly simple—it’s not always easy, but it is simple.

How to Recognize Resistance in Your Body as a Highly Sensitive Person

We don’t want to get stuck in resistance. When you feel resistance in your body, notice what that feels like physically. For many of my highly sensitive clients and myself, certain words describe this bodily sensation—most commonly pressure and force.

Pay attention to your body. When you’re forcing yourself to do something, what sensations arise? When you feel pressure to change something beyond your control, where do you feel it physically?

Moving through resistance requires shifting from fighting to acceptance. Feel these sensations in your body. Move through the emotion rather than against it.

Why Do Highly Sensitive People Keep Experiencing the Same Painful Situations?

We need to stop resisting reality—the things in this world outside our control that simply happen. Sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason; it might seem like coincidence or bad luck.

I’m often the kind of person who believes everything happens for a reason. How I reconcile this belief is up to you to accept or ignore: If we’re experiencing the same resistance patterns repeatedly, there’s a lesson to learn. We need to figure out how to move through it more effectively.

There’s immense power in acknowledging: “okay, this is happening, this is how I feel, this is how I’m thinking. This is the situation I’m in. Now, what’s my next step?”

Real-Life Example: Applying Acceptance as a Highly Sensitive Person

Let me share a personal example. A couple weeks ago, we went to the Great Salt Lake area. We stayed past dark in the middle of nowhere in the salt flats—a salty desert area we’d never explored before.

It was a nightmare beyond our control. As a passenger while my husband drove, I thought, “If I had been driving, this wouldn’t have happened. I would’ve been more cautious.” I felt it shouldn’t be happening. It was after 10:00 PM, which is really late for me. I’m basically 87 years old in my 30-something body.

I hated being stuck in the mud. I got out, pushed, traded spots with my husband to steer—but we remained stuck. Nothing more could be done. We called friends with a truck to help. They came to get us. Even they couldn’t pull us out without getting stuck themselves. There was about 40 feet of pure mud surrounding our car.

How Highly Sensitive People Can Let Go of “Shoulds” and Accept Reality

Our friends drove us home, and I noticed myself spinning in “shoulds”: “this sucks, it shouldn’t have happened. I should have known better than to wait to leave after dark.” I had to accept the uncomfortable reality. This was happening. There was literally nothing more I could do about it at that moment.

We had to leave the car overnight and call professionals the next day. Everything turned out fine, but it was inconvenient. My mindset changed. As soon as I made the switch to “This is happening,” I realized that nothing I could have done in the past matters. I can’t change it, and I didn’t know what the tow company will charge.

Our friend estimated over $500 for the tow. I could have worried endlessly, but instead kept reminding myself: “There’s nothing I can do differently right now. We’ll see how things play out.”

I had to sit with the discomfort of shoulds, fretting about the past, worrying about the future—and learn to just be with those emotions. The hour ride back crammed in my friend’s truck gave me time to sit with that discomfort and anchor into acceptance: “I can’t fight reality. We’re stuck. We’ll pay for a tow. We’ll figure it out.”

Can Highly Sensitive People Learn to “Expect Nothing and Accept Everything”?

I recently came across a powerful phrase (though I can’t remember which book): “expect nothing and accept everything.” This offers such freedom as we navigate sensitivity. I’m not saying we can’t or shouldn’t have expectations—we can and it’s natural—but this mindset creates freedom to experience life rather than constantly fighting it.

I was coaching a client about expectations in relationships. It was fascinating how much of their suffering came from expectations and avoiding disappointment. This was the same for us getting stuck in the mud. We tend to overthink and fight the reality of where we are and what we can actually do about it.

And it makes for a great story! We’ve shared it many times, often laughing. I remember looking at my husband while stuck, saying “Well, we’re f*cked. Not much we can do,” and we just smiled. My husband maintains this mindset naturally, while I tend to overthink and worry.

Our expectation was going home immediately. When that didn’t happen, fighting reality created resistance. When I stepped into acceptance, everything changed—just as with my client’s relationship challenges. What if life isn’t always about learning and growing and expectations, but simply about experiencing?

How Highly Sensitive People Can Stop Creating Unnecessary Pain

I hope this post about unnecessary pain, fighting reality, and finding acceptance through body awareness helps you apply these principles to your own life. I know it’s not easy for highly sensitive people, but it can be simple—and simplicity makes things easier.

So, my sensitive friend, please stop fighting with reality. This includes fighting what’s happening in your own body and brain. I can’t count how many highly sensitive clients I’ve worked with who fight against their sensitivity, their brain wiring, and their physical sensitivity to environments, medications, or chronic pain.

It’s exhausting. Don’t you feel drained by this overthinking, resistance, and fighting? What I offer is that it doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t have to be so hard.

This is why I wanted to address unnecessary pain—because so much suffering we experience as highly sensitive people is self-created and completely unnecessary.

The Power of Coaching for Highly Sensitive People

This is the transformative power of coaching—recognizing these patterns in your mind and how they shape your experience. Having someone objective listen to you can be life-changing. They empathize with your pain. They lovingly and boldly call out unhelpful patterns.

My clients have found immense value in this approach, and I extend this to you as a reader: I want to lovingly call out the patterns that keep you stuck. We can’t fight reality, but we can influence what’s within our control.

Because you’re a human living in this world, many things will remain outside your control. The key is recognizing what those things are, stopping the resistance, and leaning into acceptance—especially as a highly sensitive person who feels everything so deeply.

If you’re a highly sensitive person struggling with unnecessary pain and resistance, consider exploring how acceptance practices can transform your experience of sensitivity from a burden into a gift. Come work with me one-on-one. Let’s shift back into reality with a twist of fun. Rediscover a new zest for life!

---