check out the audio version on the “Sassy, Soulful, & Sensitive” podcast
You know that feeling you get when you’re beating yourself up and putting a lot of pressure on yourself and need to talk it out, but you feel like you’re talking about the same things to the same people over and over again like a broken record, so you don’t say anything and suffer in silence because you don’t want to be a burden?
Yeah, if you’re highly sensitive you probably revisit that scenario pretty often. This is exactly why we’re diving into the topic of the fear of being a burden on others and how we can reframe this to give ourselves more compassion and actually rely on ourselves and our support systems.
Understanding HSP Sensitivity
First, we need to cover a basic understanding of being a highly sensitive person. We’re magical beings that have a super vivid and rich inner world due to our superpowers of feeling and processing things deeply. We have a lot of awareness that we tend to tangle ourselves up in like a fishnet. We have sensitive senses and are more susceptible to being overwhelmed if there are a lot of stimuli around us–sights, sounds, smells, textures, etc. We are also incredibly empathetic (relating to others’ emotions) and/or empathic (actually feeling the emotional energy of another being). All of this combined is what allows us to be hyper-aware of other people’s needs and states of being. We’re super magical AND it can also sometimes feel like a curse. It plays into our unique flavor of fear of being a burden on others.
The Fear of Burden
Now that we’ve embraced our magical sensitivity, let’s confront the shadow that haunts it—the fear of being a burden. A common fear I hear from many highly sensitive people is the fear of being a burden to others and the impact it has on our relationships. We don’t want to be seen as “the negative one” or “the weak one” who always needs accommodation. We expect ourselves to accommodate others, but when we think about our own needs, we often shrug them off if we see someone else in need. Sometimes it feels noble or even righteous, and other times it feels like we’re being pressed to death like Giles Corey during the Salem Witch Trials.
Highly sensitive people understand the importance of connection and relationships. We don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the relationships we have, which leads us to people-pleasing, perfectionism, risk avoidance, and a shit ton of self-judgment.
Exploring the Roots of the Fear
childhood
Let’s dig into the past and unveil how our childhoods played a role in developing this fear of being a burden. Since you were conceived, you’ve been held to a measuring stick–at this age, you should be doing X, at that age, you are expected to do Y. When we’re young and an adult yells at us for reaching for the pretty red glow of the hot stove, we started to cry because we “did something wrong.” Our environment and socialization play a big role in forming that inner voice.
Growing the “adult brain”
Humans’ brains don’t fully develop until roughly the age of 25. Physiologically, adulting doesn’t start for most until the quarter-century mark. This is important to understand because that little kid who got yelled at couldn’t comprehend the danger and the full context that the stove was going to burn our hand off! (Okay, maybe ‘burning the hand off’ is a little dramatic, but hopefully, it made my point)
expression and comparison
Often, when we expressed ourselves, we ended up being dismissed, ridiculed, or even worse, completely ignored. As we grow older and are exposed to more people, personalities, and experiences, our inner voice gets louder and louder– it’s trying to be helpful, not recognizing the harm that it’s actually reinforcing. This is especially true when we’re in school and get to the age where we start to compare ourselves to one another–grades, talents, bodies, clothes, etc.
Naturally, the fear of being perceived as negative, weak, or in need of help took root. The internal narrative whispered, “Everyone else seems to handle their struggles, so why can’t I?” Here’s a crucial reminder: highly sensitive people make up roughly 20% of the population. This means we’re surrounded by 80% of people who don’t struggle with the same things we do. And let me be clear here: it’s not that that 80% don’t struggle, it’s just that they struggle in different areas. This doesn’t make them better or worse–just different.
My Darkest Hours
**Trigger Warning: Suicide, Cancer, Religious Trauma**
I want to share a piece of my own story. It’s one of my darkest hours. And please consider this a trigger warning as I will be talking about suicide, cancer, and religious trauma. I know what it feels like to be a burden on others. I know what it’s like to be alone and feel isolated.
When I graduated high school and went away to college. I was pretty confident in who I was. Or at least I thought I was. I was a singer, actor, performer (a pretty decent one, mind you) and I was Mormon (LDS or Latter Day Saint). Being in the theatre and being Mormon seemed like an oxymoron but I was determined to stay true to who I was – I turned down roles, scene partners, etc. (looking back, I was a righteous ass-hole).
The Fall
Long story short, I cracked and crumbled. I struggled to reconcile my sexuality and desire for romantic love and my childhood religious beliefs. I thought I was inherently evil or just completely weak and pathetic. I remember reaching out to some high school friends back home asking them to tell me positive things about me because I was in a low place. I did this several times with different friends. I had a hard time believing what they told me, so I kept asking. Contact started to fade after that. I had become too much of a burden.
Family support
I was always really close to my mom growing up (bless her heart because I was a pretty difficult child). When I moved away, we called each other every day (sometimes multiple times a day). Within my first year of college, my dad got diagnosed with prostate cancer. As you can imagine, both my parents were under a lot of duress. My mom told me, not in these specific words, that I needed to grow up and learn how to function on my own because she couldn’t take care of my dad, herself, and be there for me anymore.
This broke me. Not only was I a burden on my friends, my main line of support told me I was too much of a burden, too! My support system – my friends and family – were completely gone. I was alone trying to figure things out and I didn’t feel I could do it. Things got really dark. I got super depressed and contemplated ending my own life.
I found myself
Thankfully, I didn’t, because I’m so happy to be here today! It took a lot of resilience and conscious effort to get back to a place of empowerment – authentic confidence from my core being. I’m proud of what I have been through and accomplished, even if it wasn’t all rainbows and daisies. There are some key steps that helped me get through all of this that I want to share in hopes that it will help you get through your own tough times.
Challenging Negative Self-Perceptions
It’s important–no, crucially imperative, that we as highly sensitive people make time to intentionally reflect and weed out these negative, and commonly self-imposed perceptions of ourselves. We need to offer those younger versions of ourselves compassion and re-teach them with the context that we have now as adults. We need to reframe our sensitivities as unique strengths, and not hindrances or weaknesses. Unfortunately, there’s not a simple pill we can take to do this work; or farm it out to a contractor (yikes, asking for help!). This is the work we need to do ourselves in order to change the negative self-perceptions that hold us trapped like a songbird who over time slowly stops singing.
questions to reframe the narrative
Here are three questions to ask yourself to start challenging that negative voice inside your head:
- If someone I loved had this [characteristic or trait], how would I perceive them?
- What do I need to reteach myself in order to love this [characteristic or trait] about me?
- Even if [someone I love] needed my help that inconvenienced or burdened me, would I still want them to ask me? Why or why not?
These three powerful questions can help you as a highly sensitive person better understand how to change that perception of “negative” or “weak” to “lovely badass.”
Now equipped with some self-compassion, let’s tackle the art of effective communication.
Communicating Needs Effectively
Learning to express ourselves
HSPs, it’s time to unmute those emotions and speak your truth without letting the fear of being too much to handle, hold you back. Communication isn’t always easy for us highly sensitive people, given our depth of internal processing and the multitude of feelings we navigate. I mean, how do you take an entire ocean and explain it in a drop?
But the more we express ourselves, the easier it becomes. Don’t shy away from communicating your fear of not making sense, talking slowly, or expressing in broken sentences. Specifically address this concern with your trusted person. Share with them your worry about burdening them with your thoughts and feelings. Ask for their patience as you attempt to bring all the puzzle pieces of speech from your depths, and put them together in the light.
Not up to the task
It’s important to note that some people in your life may not be up to the task of patiently listening. This doesn’t mean anything about you personally, it’s more about them–what they’re going through or where they are in their own life. If someone we trust and hope to be our soundingboard declines the task (which is a shame because we are wise AF), it can be really easy to feel hurt and want to completely withdraw from the relationship.
While there’s nothing inherently wrong with relationships ending or choosing to withdraw, it’s important that you’re not doing it from an emotionally intense and unclear place. Our depth allows us to speak up and powerfully communicate–so instead of a complete withdrawal, consider this a great time to articulate and set a boundary.
healthy boundaries
Boundaries are like our emotional bouncers or bodyguards. They help us draw the lines so we can have stronger, more genuine relationships and ensure our needs are met. Sometimes they are temporary boundaries that last a short time; while others may be everlasting. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships lets you both be on the same page and effectively communicate desires and expectations.
This doesn’t mean those desires and expectations will be met per se, but they are out there to be discussed. This can lead to compromise, alternate options, and ultimately the comfort and reassurance that no one, not even us in our magical and caring ways, can be someone’s everything or expect them to be our everything.
As we grow the confidence in our wisdom, and speaking & educating abilities, let’s explore how this helps us build supportive relationships.
Building Supportive Relationships
seek to understand & Seek to be understood
As I mentioned earlier, most of the world doesn’t share our highly sensitive traits, so they may not fully understand you. This may leave you a little fearful of being a burden on others. It’s natural for us, highly sensitive people, to worry about burdening others with our unique needs and perspectives. However, in supportive relationships, two people don’t need to fully understand each other to love and support one another. In fact, that goes for all relationships amongst humans–not just us highly sensitive folks!
The best relationships are the ones where we seek to understand the other person’s perspective and include a give-and-take of educating each other. Don’t let the fear of burdening others hold you back. Instead, conjure your courage and confidence and talk about your highly sensitive traits with people. Educate them on your unique needs and strengths. When we all help each other and ensure each person has what they need in order to be their most successful self, the entire world benefits. This will look different for every person–including those who don’t share our sensitivity.
cultivating our tribe
Cultivating our tribes takes time and patience, especially when the fear of being a burden can make us hesitant to open up. But when you find your people who support and celebrate your HSP traits, it’s pure magic! Remember it’s about quality over quantity. Surround yourself with those who will appreciate you–your perspective, your personality style, your insight, and your deep wisdom.
Not everyone will understand us, nor will we understand everyone. Even though we wish for everyone to embrace us, not everyone will. It can be challenging to accept, especially when the fear of burdening others is a constant companion. But once you do, you will be set free–just like the caged songbird who finds its song again after being released. In the lovely wisdom from Dita Von Teese, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”
Self-Care for HSPs
We as highly sensitive people can spin out revisiting the fear of being a burden over and over. It takes a toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically–ultimately leading to burnout. This is the exact reason why self-care is so important for us HSPs. It’s a skill and practice that we need to master in order to thrive in a non-sensitive world that was built by and for the 80%.
luxury or necessity?
Self-care isn’t a luxury for us, it’s a downright necessity. We need to understand our sensitivities and energy cycles to create self-care plans that recharge us; rather than trying to recharge and feeling guilty or worried – which is like your phone being plugged in with a bad cord so it’s still draining its energy. That is inefficient self-care.
Feeling guilt or worry when you try to slow down and make time for self-care is a sign that your fear of being a burden is rearing its head–I mean, if you’re not doing the thing, that means someone else has to, right? When you find yourself in those moments, remind yourself of the old oxygen mask analogy (put on your own oxygen mask before helping others); or the teacup analogy–you can’t pour from an empty cup.
don’t expect it to look the same or equal
One major thing that people get wrong about self-care is what it looks like. Self-care doesn’t look the same for everyone. And it doesn’t even look the same for us as individuals all the time either. Self-care could be watching TV (my personal fav), taking a bath, baking, taking a walk in nature, exercising, organizing, meditating, journaling, playing a sport, creating visual art, making music, etc. There is no wrong way to do self-care. It takes experimentation to find what self-care activities work for you AND be able to pinpoint the optimal moments to leverage each specific self-care activity.
Here’s my example: every day I either listen to an audiobook and color on my phone or watch TV as a way to decompress from the day. However, when I have a big event that I’m teaching or speaking at, I take the rest of the day (or the next day) to just watch TV and eat some comfort food.
I could eat comfort food every day as a way of self-care; however, that impacts my health in ways that end up creating issues and I don’t end up taking care of myself. I mention this because our society, especially in the US, love to buffer from our emotions with food. It’s fine if you do, just make sure you do it with intention and in a way that is healthy for you.
consider a holistic approach
Just because there is a piece of self-care that works, doesn’t mean that it works every time. Think about how your self-care impacts you on a holistic level–this will help you create your self-care protocols that you can implement on the daily or as needed to ensure you’re taking care of yourself on a physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual level.
Pay attention to how each self-care activity helps you think and feel about yourself and your life. Notice how they impact your energy levels–does it help you relax, energize, or drain you? In such a fast-paced world, self-care becomes an act of rebellion! REBEL!
Seeking Professional Support
Now, with some self-awareness in one hand and self-compassion in the other hand, let’s talk about seeking professional support and equipping you with more tools, knowledge, and know-how.
being seen on a soul level
Just as self-care isn’t a luxury, neither is getting the support you need to learn how to navigate and thrive. When we’re thinking about being a burden on others, what that ultimately creates for us is that we’re extra burdensome on ourselves. This is why getting professional support from someone who can teach you tools, techniques, and concepts that help you stop overthinking is also crucial.
Having the support of someone who can see you on a soul level and help you untangle and uncover the true you from all of the superficial expectations and perceptions you’ve taken on, is one of the most absolutely beautiful things. It’s the gift you give yourself that keeps on giving back to yourself and in turn, gives to others.
there are things you need to learn
Learning about your nervous system, emotions, how your brain works, your subconscious and conscious, creating conscious awareness, identifying social conditioning, creating self-care protocols, etc. are the things that help you create the kind of relationships with others that you crave, and more importantly with yourself. You can reduce overthinking and self-judgment, you can stop thinking you’re a burden, and you can learn how to effectively recognize and communicate your unique strengths and opinions.
what to look for when seeking help
Seeking professional help can also feel daunting for some. Know that it’s okay, and tune into your intuition for “gut guidance.” Seek the “hell yes” feeling that sparks a light in you. If you follow your intuition and that “hell yes” feeling, you can rest assured that you are on the path of insight and transformation. When I meet with a potential client, this is the exact feeling and internal knowing I’m looking for to know if it’s a good fit for coaching. When we both choose to work together, we embark on a collaborative journey of guided exploration and discovery. I’m not here to help “fix” you because you’re not broken and in need of fixing.
Life can feel crazy and chaotic for us highly sensitive people because of the dual nature of our gifts (dual nature being it can be magical and it can feel like a curse sometimes). Getting help from a professional like myself is a step toward self-trust that you are committed to your well-being. It’s your ticket to more zen, more compassion, more contentment, more fulfillment, and more control of your life.
Let’s Wrap It Up…
Compassion & Connection
Throughout this journey today, we’ve unraveled the threads of the fear of being a burden, traced it back to its roots, and illuminated some ways to create more self-compassion and connection.
As you travel the landscape of your relationships, let go of the weight of being perceived as “negative” or “weak.” Instead, see yourself as the “lovely badass,” resilient, and wise. Embrace your unique strengths, advocate for your needs and desires, and surround yourself with people who will appreciate your magical perspective.
practice self-care
In moments of self-doubt, nurture yourself by practicing self-care, recognizing that taking time for yourself is not a luxury, but a necessity. Experiment with different kinds of self-care to find what works best for you on the most holistic level of your whole well-being. You are not a burden for needing to slow down, take a break, and recharge; you are simply recognizing the importance of filling your cup so you can have a choice to give generously when feeling called to do so.
we all need a little help
When things feel overwhelming, seek professional support with the confidence that it’s not an admission of brokenness but a testament to your commitment to your own well-being. Trust your intuition, follow the “hell yes” feeling, and embark on a collaborative journey to discover who you truly are and how to navigate the world authentically without burning yourself out.
you’re nothing short of extraordinary
My dear HSPs, to sum it all up: you and your existence are NOT a burden. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Your sensitivity isn’t a flaw; it’s your dynamic, kick-ass superpower. It allows you to perceive the world with vividness, navigate its intricacies, and empathize with a depth that is nothing short of extraordinary. Embrace your sensitivity so you can use it as a tool instead of rejecting it and turning it into a weapon used against yourself.
Taste and savor ALL the flavors of life and relish in the magical majesty of our unique existence and perspective.
