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How Can I Embrace My Emotional Complexity Without Self-Judgment?
Emotions are complex, multifaceted, and often surprisingly contradictory. Yet, many of us strive for emotional clarity by believing we should experience one singular emotion at a time or at least not have conflicting or contradictory emotions to be considered stable or rational. This is truly an unrealistic expectation, especially for highly sensitive and highly emotional individuals, and it can lead to self-judgment, guilt, and emotional turmoil.
Recently, I worked with a client who was grappling with this exact issue. Their story is a powerful reminder of the importance of not judging our emotions and embracing our full emotional spectrum. I’m going to use their example as well as some of my own to help illustrate my points today.
Here’s what you can expect:
- Is It Normal to Have Conflicting Emotions?
- How Do I Stop Judging My Emotions?
- How Can I Overcome Guilt for Having Conflicting Desires?
- Effective Strategies for Practicing Self-Compassion without Judgement
Is It Normal to Have Conflicting Emotions?
Yes, it absolutely is! Think of a time when you were excited but also nervous. As a former performer, I felt conflicting emotions every time I was about to go on stage. The thrill of performing was always mixed with a bit of stage fright, creating a whirlwind of excitement and anxiety. Even now, when I step into a new environment to meet a potential friend, I feel both eager and apprehensive. The excitement of making a new connection is always tempered by the nervousness of stepping into the unknown and the fear of being judged or perceived in a way I don’t want.
If you struggle to believe that conflicting emotions can coexist, recall a time when you wanted to go somewhere new or try something unfamiliar. What emotions did you feel? How many can you list? Or consider a time when you felt pulled in two different directions, desiring to do two completely different things. Although desire may have been the primary emotion, you likely felt conflicted because of these two emotional pulls.
I recently spoke with a client who faced a challenging situation over a long holiday weekend. Their partner fell ill, requiring care and attention. Naturally, my client wanted to be a supportive partner and tend to their needs. However, my client also yearned to enjoy the long weekend, filled with plans for relaxation and fun activities. This internal conflict sparked feelings of selfishness and guilt. They believed that wanting to enjoy the weekend while their partner was sick made them a bad partner. They experienced the conflict of two desires: to take care of their ill partner and to take care of themselves by going out for some fun.
By sharing these experiences, I hope you can see that it’s perfectly normal to feel multiple emotions at once. It’s part of being human.
Why Do I Feel Multiple Emotions at Once?
From a neuroscience perspective, this is an easy answer. We have anywhere from 40,000 to 90,000 thoughts a day, and it’s our thoughts or internal language that generate our emotions. These thoughts can be both conscious and subconscious, constantly influencing how we feel. Interestingly, an emotion can typically be felt for roughly 90 seconds at a time. But think about how many thoughts can race through your mind in a 90-second window. This phenomenon often results in overlapping thoughts and emotions, creating a complex tapestry of feelings that can ping-pong between our brains and bodies. I’ve noticed this in my own life when I’m multitasking or dealing with stressful situations. My mind can rapidly shift from excitement to anxiety, and understanding this helps me manage my reactions better.
One of the key issues I discussed with my client was the notion that emotions are rarely singular or straightforward. We often feel multiple emotions simultaneously, especially in complex situations. In my client’s case, their desire to care for their partner was genuine and rooted in love and compassion. They lovingly prepared meals, checked in regularly, and ensured their partner was comfortable. Simultaneously, their wish to enjoy the weekend was also valid and rooted in self-care and the need for personal fulfillment. They had been looking forward to this break for weeks, thinking about activities that would recharge them. Recognizing this complexity is the first step to stop judging our emotions. So let’s explore that a little more.
How Do I Stop Judging My Emotions?
Self-judgment can be incredibly heavy. It can become the bane of our existence as highly sensitive people. I remember a time when I was juggling multiple responsibilities and relationships and felt overwhelmed by conflicting emotions, wanting to get everything done while making sure I was showing up as a good friend, son, parent, and spouse. I judged myself harshly for not being able to manage everything perfectly and getting stressed over scheduling things, which only made me feel worse.
My client faced a similar struggle. They judged themselves harshly for having conflicting desires. They believed that to be a good partner, they should suppress their desire for fun and solely focus on caregiving. This black-and-white thinking, a symptom of perfectionism, led to intense guilt and a sense of emotional instability as they bounced back and forth between their desires while feeling they should just feel one. Judging our emotions can create a negative feedback loop, intensifying feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and shame.
We need to recognize when we’re in these loops and learn how to pause, analyze, and challenge the way we think and perceive our emotions. One practice that helped me a ton was emotion check-ins. By taking a few moments each day to sit quietly and observe my thoughts without judgment, and specifically identify the emotion those thoughts created (which also helped me broaden my emotional vocabulary), I learned to see my emotions as passing experiences rather than fixed states – just like the weather.
If emotions cannot be ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ ‘positive’ or ‘negative,’ then they just are. This perspective allows us to perceive our emotions as insightful and wise without judging them through a perfectionistic lens of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ or ‘good’ and ‘bad.’
What Are the Effects of Self-Judgment on Mental Health?
Self-judgment doesn’t just create emotional strain; it can also lead to long-term mental health issues. Constantly criticizing yourself for feeling certain emotions can lower self-esteem, increase anxiety, and even contribute to depression. I’ve experienced this firsthand. There was a period in my life when I was extremely critical of my every thought and emotion. This constant self-judgment left me feeling anxious and depleted. It made riding the emotional waves that are natural for HSPs so much more difficult.
In my client’s case, their inability to reconcile their desires with their sense of duty caused significant stress, which tainted their holiday weekend even further. They spent the entire weekend feeling guilty for wanting to enjoy themselves and a little resentful by the caregiving responsibility. This internal conflict drained their energy and joy, making it difficult to relax or find any pleasure in their time off. If you’ve struggled to enjoy your time off, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Acknowledging this impact is crucial for understanding the importance of self-compassion, which is the antidote to judgment.
How Can I Overcome Guilt for Having Conflicting Desires?
During our session, I asked my client how they would feel if their partner gave them permission to go out and leave them at home to rest. My client admitted that even if their partner had reassured them that it was okay to go out and have fun, they would still feel guilty. This indicated a deeper issue: a lack of trust in their partner’s words and a lack of self-trust in their own emotional caregiving.
I could easily relate to this as I’ve had my own internal battles with these competing desires and emotions. I remember missing a friend’s wedding a few years ago because emotionally, I needed to stay home and tend to my own emotional needs. I initially felt a tremendous sense of guilt, but thankfully I had practiced self-compassion enough to quickly start appreciating what I was doing for my well-being.
Embracing duality and contradiction is key to our emotional health.
In the session, I worked with my client on breaking free from this guilt by acknowledging that it is possible to care deeply for someone while also caring for oneself. My client learned to recognize that sometimes the guilt they felt was not their own but rather social programming that they were taught on how they ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ behave – in this case, it was the traditional wedding vow of ‘for better or worse.’
Through our coaching session, my client discovered they could be a good partner by learning how to communicate their competing desires in a productive, loving, and caring way and negotiate both partners’ wants while ensuring all needs could be met.
This is how we overcome guilt and shame brought on by competing desires and complex emotions—by acknowledging them and learning to talk about them from a place of strong vulnerability.
Why Do I Feel Guilty Even When Given Permission?
Feeling guilty even when given permission often stems from internalized beliefs about what it means to be a good partner or person. My client had internalized the idea that they must always put their partner’s needs above their own to be considered loving and caring. By examining and challenging these beliefs, we can start to let go of unnecessary guilt and embrace a more balanced perspective.
What Are Effective Strategies for Practicing Self-Compassion without Judgement?
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to someone else. I encouraged my client to practice self-compassion by acknowledging their conflicting emotions without judgment. Here are some strategies we used:
- Mindful Acknowledgment: Recognize and accept all emotions as they arise without labeling them as good or bad.
- Self-Validation: Affirm that it is okay to feel multiple emotions simultaneously. It does not make you selfish or unstable.
- Open Communication: Know that it is okay to share your emotions openly and honestly. This can foster mutual understanding and support, creating deeper connections.
- Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, even when in the midst of caregiving. Balance is crucial.
What Can I Learn from Embracing Emotional Complexity?
Embracing emotional complexity and practicing self-compassion are vital steps towards emotional well-being. My client’s journey highlights the importance of not judging our emotions and recognizing that it is okay to feel multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotions simultaneously. By breaking free from self-judgment and guilt, we can navigate our emotional landscapes with greater ease and understanding. Remember, it’s not about choosing one emotion over another but about accepting and honoring the full spectrum of our emotional experiences.
Reflecting on my own journey, I realized that accepting my emotional complexity was liberating. It allowed me to understand myself better and respond to situations with greater empathy and patience – and honestly, just have a LOT more fun! By acknowledging that it’s normal to feel a range of emotions and have conflicting desires, I was able to practice self-compassion more effectively and reduce the internal conflict that often accompanies emotional complexity.
How Can I Apply These Lessons to My Life?
Applying these lessons involves ongoing practice and self-awareness. Begin by reflecting on situations where you felt conflicted and notice how you responded to those emotions. Use the strategies discussed to foster self-compassion and open communication. Over time, you’ll likely find that embracing your emotional complexity leads to greater self-acceptance and emotional resilience, enhancing both your personal well-being and your relationships.
Start with small steps, like journaling about your emotions and discussing your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your emotional state without judgment. By integrating these practices into your daily life, you’ll gradually build a stronger sense of self-trust and improve your ability to navigate complex emotional landscapes.
This is where our work gets done
If you feel like your insides are in a flurry with competing desires, complex emotions, and yo-yo decision making, join the My Seisitive Self program and work with me one-on-one–this is where we do the work to set ourselves free from the judgment and and guilt; and learn how to enjoy being ourselves!
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