When to Adopt, Adapt, or Abandon

You’re doing a  project and you’re in a rut. Doing work feels like you’re banging your head against a wall. Congrats, the primitive part of your human brain is working perfectly! 

The primitive part of your brain functions from the motivational triad (conserve energy, avoid pain, seek pleasure). When you’re functioning from that part of your brain, it’s time for a CHANGE. 

Use TOOLS to make something easier or more fun. The ways you can change the tools you use are to adopt, adapt, or abandon. If you think about the model (check out my podcast if you’re like “what hell is he talking about?”) you either change your circumstance or thought (aka Environment or Mindset). We don’t need to change our circumstances to feel better (this is 100% true); however, sometimes it can still be beneficial. I’ll address this more a little later.

I call this forcing a brain reset:

  • Change of environment or task → Essentially anything that changes your focus and engages one of your learning centers (visual, auditory, and/or kinesthetic/movement)
  • Change your mindset → Thinking things that serve you and ditching those that don’t.
  • An example of combining the above → Write RESET on a piece of paper – this literally tricks your brain into shifting focus and engages both the visual and kinesthetic learning centers in your brain (say it out loud and you can round it out with the auditory learning center!).
Adopt

When I say adopt, I mean to recreate the same environment or mindset that has already shown success. Take something that worked for someone else OR something you have done before that just works. Why fix what isn’t broken, right?

  • Environment Example:  If you do really good work listening to podcasts, put a podcast on
  • Mindset Examplet: Focus in on a mantra that’s served you in the past, “I can figure anything I want out.”
Adapt

Sometimes you need to adapt, which means doing something slightly different. Let’s say you’re listening to a podcast while working and you make a mistake because you were enthralled but you don’t want to make more mistakes.

  • Environment Example: Instead of listening to a podcast, listen to music instead
  • Mindset Examplet: Shift to  I’m learning how to figure things out 
Abandon

Other times you need to abandon the tool or task. This is when you get to a point where you’re making no progress but you keep doing the task to fill your day or because “you’re supposed to”. Now, I don’t mean quit forever; just pause and come back to it later. I block out my calendar for how much time I want or think a task is going to take. If It seems like I’m stuck after a while and can’t reset my brain then I look at my calendar, see what the next task is, and switch. Moving calendar items until you get back in the swing of things can be just what your brain needs to get back into the flow.

  • Environment Example: Turning off the music 
  • Mindset Examplet: Use a completely different mantra → I can absolutely do this

What are some things you do to get back in flow?

What Is Your Insecurity Stopping You From Doing?

As we grow up, as humans do, we unconsciously take on thoughts and beliefs that others offer up to us.

When we were bullied, abused, neglected, told we’re different…we unconsciously made those things mean something about ourselves.

We unknowingly create insecurities for ourselves that sounds like:
● “I’m not good enough”
● “I can’t do that”
● “I’m not normal”
● “They know more than I do”
● “I don’t know what I’m doing”
● “Nobody cares about me”
● Etc.

Then those thoughts repeat in our minds for 20, 30, 40+ years…each time making those beliefs stronger.

Then one day something happens…a major life event/epiphany/etc., and we realize these insecurities have become our own mental prison (which we usually then beat ourselves up for…you know, because we “should have” realized it sooner).

We wake up to find life is passing us by and we’ve been so afraid but can now see how our insecurities have held us back from:
● going after that promotion
● making friends and/or meaningful relationships
● going after our dream job
● building the life we truly want for ourselves
● speaking up and stating our opinion
● etc.

What have your insecurities stopped you from doing?

What have they stopped you from being or becoming?

You are so much more capable than you realize.

You already have everything you need to succeed within you already…

…you just may need some help accessing it.

This is where I come in.

There has always been negativity in the world and negative feelings, but we don’t have to add more of it onto ourselves.

Life coaching has changed and continues to change my life.

Answer the questions I posed above and start focusing your mind on possibility–who you want to be and what you want to create.

You’re one step away from changing your entire life.

I need your help and want your insight…

First of all, THANK YOU for taking the time to read my content. I genuinely hope you find it useful, informative, thought provoking, and helps you see that you are not alone in this journey we call life.

Second, I have some open spots in my practice and am taking on new clients. If you’re an introvert who recognizes that your self-judgement, doubt, and insecurity are keeping you from building relationships/getting that promotion/meeting new people/going after your dream or passion/feeling loveable and worthy/enjoying your homebody lifestyle, I want to talk to you. We live in a world geared towards extroverts and we take on programming that something is wrong with us because we don’t function like “normal people.” I can help. If you don’t fall into this category, please forward this post or any of my free resources (including social media) to them.

I’m gearing up for 2022 and will only be taking on a total of 20 clients MAX. My program is 10 months where we meet weekly to help you overcome any/all of the following so you can live your best introverted life in an extroverted world:

  • Imposter syndrome
  • Social Anxiety
  • Fear of judgement and/or failure
  • Overthinking
  • Managing others’ expectations and/or emotions
  • Fear or disappointing others
  • Having a ton of goals, but never accomplishing any of them
  • Not living up to your own standards
  • Comparing yourself to others
  • Feeling unfulfilled or purposeless
  • FOMO
  • Feeling like you’re always a step behind
  • Perfectionism
  • People Pleasing
  • Thinking other people know better
  • Need for external validation or permission
  • Feeling like a bad friend because you don’t stay in touch
  • Fear of stating your own opinions or needs because it could potentially cause conflict
  • Overwhelm (aka decision fatigue)
  • Etc.

Third, I would LOVE your insight into when you or those you know/love prefer to receive/read posts/emails like these. My goal is help you make your life easier and timing can be crucial. If you’re willing, please answer the two questions below so I can help get you info/insight when it’s best for you:

THANK YOU!!!

Don’t Take Candy From Strangers

From a young age, we are taught what to believe.

We are given baselines and guidelines on how to conduct our lives and what is considered “normal” or “acceptable” behavior.

We don’t really question it…although we may sometimes test the boundaries.   

We create and adopt beliefs in order to protect ourselves and/or make sense of our world.

But a lot of the time, beliefs we have about the world or ourselves are actually misinterpretations based on gaps in our experience or knowledge.

They don’t actually protect us or help make our existence in the world better.

For example, as children, we were taught not to take candy from strangers.

However, we take candy and food from strangers all the time—trick-or-treating, store samples, free leftover food at work, etc.

The old belief of “don’t take candy/food from strangers” tells us we should not eat those things.

But I am not passing up Costco samples!! Yummy! And when you’re on a budget, free.99 is the best!

That old belief no longer serves to protect me in the same way it did when I was taught as a kid.

Because of how we have learned to program our brains, we continue to take information presented to us through the various stimuli of the world, and make incorrect assumptions and/or misinterpretations.  

Our lives don’t fit into a one-size-fits-all mold, so why do we try to make ourselves fit?

We go out into the world and our lives don’t look like what we imagined; so we think we suck and call ourselves a failure.

It’s becoming more and more apparent how harmful and painful this way of thinking really is.

What thoughts or beliefs do you have about yourself that aren’t helpful to you?

Most likely, the thought that came to mind when you read that question is rooted in societal programming.

I want to offer you that those thoughts that appear and sound like:

  • “You’re a mess”
  • “You have no worth”
  • “You’re not loveable”
  • “You’re different than others”
  • “Everyone else has their shit together, but you don’t”
  • “Someone else could do this better than you could”

are just the stranger and candy.

Yes, those are your thoughts; however, they are not your original thoughts—they are not WHO YOU ARE.

They are sentences you wrote in your programming and took on based on what you knew at the moment of programming—which is usually too young to have full context or knowledge.

Think of those kinds of thoughts as a stranger offering you a piece of poisoned candy.

They can’t be avoided, but you can say “no thanks, I’m good.” Or if you want to add some humor to it, “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

You don’t need to be any different to be loved or be worthy of the things you want.

You just have to be your true authentic self who is already 100% loveable and worthy.

Don’t believe me? Look in the mirror and into your own eyes—you will see magic.

Boundaries

What is a boundary and why should we set them?

Just like we have physical boundaries of our homes (walls, windows, doors, fences, etc.), we also can create emotional boundaries for ourselves and our relationships. Boundaries are something we put in place as a means of protection and empowerment. To set a boundary, you basically use an if/then statement. More to come on shortly. However, first, it’s important to know there are actually two kinds of boundaries at work in our world: non-verbal boundaries and verbal boundaries.

Non-verbal boundaries are…you guessed it, non-verbal and don’t need to be spoken aloud. This is typically something that is based on societal norms. For example, when you meet a new person, you don’t announce to them that if they slap you, then you will slap them back. It’s a societal norm that we don’t slap people. We don’t need to go around saying this to everyone we meet.

Verbal boundaries are boundaries that we need to speak out loud as it may not be obvious to everyone. An example of this would be, “if you come over without calling first, I may not be able to answer the door.” Some people always answer the door when they are home; but some people don’t unless they know someone is coming.

How to set a boundary

I like to teach how to set a boundary in three parts:
Request to change behavior
Boundary – stating what your boundary is
Consequence – what YOU will do or how YOU will react if your boundary is crossed or violated

For example, one of my personal boundaries is to not talk negatively about other people behind their backs. If I’m with a group of friends and they are talking negatively about someone or gossiping, I would say, “Hey, can we change the subject? I don’t want to talk negatively about people. If we don’t change the subject, that’s fine; but then I’ll just head out and do my own thing.”

Let’s break this example down into the three pieces:
Request – “Hey, can we change the subject?”
Boundary – “I don’t want to talk negatively about people.”
Consequence – “If we don’t change the subject…I’ll head out and do my own thing.”
Do you see how that all comes together?

How are boundaries different from manipulation?

I LOVE this question! Boundaries are often misunderstood and misused. One of the main ways to tell whether it’s a boundary or manipulation is the intent. It usually starts with a demand instead of a request. Boundaries come from a place of love and acceptance for yourself and the other person/relationship; whereas manipulation is trying to change someone else’s behavior in order to make you feel better or get something for your personal gain. Manipulation is about the other person doing something rather than YOU doing something.

An example of this would be “if you don’t clean the kitchen, then I won’t go to the party with you later.” It follows the if/then statement; but notice the intent–does this come from a place of love? No, it’s manipulating someone into doing something so you will feel better. It’s basically punishing them if they don’t do it your way. Don’t be this person. It’s not a pretty color on anybody.

How do you know whether it’s appropriate or not to set a boundary?

The following are the four things to observe and discern on whether you should set a boundary:
1. You have a clear and defined boundary for yourself that has been violated/crossed
2. The other person is unaware of your boundary
3. You feel the boundary needs to be restated for emphasis in order to have a better relationship
4. You are in a calm and loving place (never set a boundary from anger–remember, intent is HUGE)

Why is setting boundaries so difficult?

Setting boundaries can be extremely difficult depending on your personality and the value you place on the relationship with the person you want to set a boundary with. The main reason it can be difficult is because we’re afraid of how the other person will feel or interpret our boundary. There is always a possibility of losing the relationship. I understand this can be scary, but at the end of the day, our emotional peace and self-love is what matters most. The main thing to remember is that you are setting the boundary from a place of love–for yourself, the other person, and the relationship.

Setting boundaries gives us the ability to create strong and genuine relationships with others. Boundaries empower us to create the kind of life that sets us up for success. If defining or setting boundaries is an area of your life that you struggle with, I can help. Please reach out or set-up a free call with me through my contact page. You don’t have to go through this journey alone.

Listening to Yourself

Some say people who talk to themselves are crazy. I completely disagree. I think people who talk to themselves are smart. Why? Because this is how you get the opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs.

I’m not a huge fan of social media. It takes away time with the endless scroll. I love seeing what people are up to, but most of the time I’m so locked into the scroll of “what’s next” I don’t interact much. And I find myself having less and less desire to post.

But those who know about starting a business, social media networking can be a HUGE component to business strategy in providing value to customers ahead of time. For the last few weeks, I’ve been torn between two opposing concepts—being authentic and doing something even though it doesn’t feel good. I’m a fan of both those concepts, but it led me into a lot of decision fatigue.

I decided to bring the situation to one of my coaches to get coaching. The conversation led me to a few A-HA! moments:
(1) The path looks different for everyone (aka there really isn’t a right way to do something vs a wrong way);
(2) My focus needs to come back to my strengths;
(3) It’s not only important to talk to yourself but take the time to listen;
(4) I’m already doing a lot of things besides social media;
(5) I stopped trusting myself.

Because my focus was on finding the “right way” and how that went against my strengths, I wasn’t open to really listening to my own inner wisdom. Social Media isn’t my only platform to provide value to people—I have my podcast, this blog, one-on-one conversations, group meetups and coffee dates. Sure, there are things I can tweak to make better and ultimately create a bigger impact, but that doesn’t mean all of that work and connection has gone to waste.

After the coaching session, I sat and just listened at the thoughts running through my head. It was amazing to me how much more open my mind was to ideas and solutions. My self-talk became more positive, and I felt a spark reignite within myself as I remembered that I really can trust myself.

The next time you’re having a hard time making a decision or feel torn, I invite you to write out the thoughts going through your mind to get them out, and then taking a few minutes to listen—whether you believe it’s your higher self, Universe, or God(s) of your choosing—just listen. Listen with an open heart and see what thoughts start to run through your mind. Look for trends or patterns as they can give you even more insight as single thoughts turn into ideas, ideas turn into beliefs, and beliefs turn into results.

Do this without asking other people for their opinions or thoughts. Learn to trust yourself before you get results (this is what keeps you going), so that when you do get the desired result it’s just more evidence of that self-trust. It all starts with listening to yourself.  

Resisting Emotions

In almost all my client sessions this past week we have discussed resisting emotion and how the ego plays a role. We often think of the world as black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. This is a big reason we resist feeling a negative emotion—such as shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. What really happens is that we judge the emotions we don’t want to feel—it usually sounds like “I don’t want to feel this way” or “I shouldn’t feel like this” or “it’s stupid that I feel _____.”

What I want to offer you is that what we resist, persists. I first heard that phrase from a good friend who has helped me on my spiritual awakening journey several years ago and it has held true. What would happen if we didn’t judge our negative emotions? For starters, stress and burnout would absolutely not be as intense as they are. None of our negative emotions would be as intense as they are! That alone leaves you with more physical energy and mental capacity to live a more fulfilled life where you can truly connect with others, actively pursue your passions, and become authentic in every aspect of your life.

Typically, when we resist emotions, it revolves around our egos. If you’re familiar with the yin/yang concept from our eastern friends, everything has both light and darkness within it. We as humans are perfect examples of this (look at our politics, religions, entertainment, etc.). But one thing I love about the yin/yang concept is that there is always a little of each no matter whether you’re more yin or more yang. It’s balance.

If we take this concept and apply it to ourselves, what if the same principle applies to our egos? There is healthy egotism (confidence, philanthropy, etc.) and non-healthy egotism (overconfident, wants the spotlight for selfish gain, and judgement). Applied, this means that there isn’t a right or wrong (non-healthy ego), just action and consequence (healthy ego). When we switch our thinking to action and consequence vs right and wrong, the judgement of our emotions decreases significantly! Action and consequence are neutral whereas right and wrong are usually emotionally charged.

Helping decrease the intensity of the emotion will put you on the path to allowing it vs resisting it. Now it’s time to learn how to process the emotion. The next time you feel an intense negative emotion, follow these steps:

  1. Close your eyes and take a deep breath and slowly release (repeat 3-5 times depending on intensity)
  2. Give the emotion a name (stick to just one emotion)
  3. Where do you feel that emotion in your body?
  4. What does it look like? (color, texture, movement pattern, etc.)
  5. Continue to visualize it and try to separate the emotion from yourself so you are just the observer.
  6. Start talking to it (yes, this may sound crazy; but trust me, it works!) and ask why it’s there and how you can help move it along in processing it.
  7. This may be a short internal convo or may take longer—no matter the time it takes, keep going)
  8. As you continue that internal conversation, visualize the emotion transforming or flowing through and out your body. You may feel some physical sensations as you do this—that’s completely normal.
  9. Take another deep breath in and slowly release.
  10. Check-in with yourself. What did you learn? How could this processing experience help you gain more clarity
  11. BONUS: You can do this with a positive emotion as well to learn how to better create helpful emotions that drive you towards your goals.

A word of caution: since we know that our emotions are created by our thoughts, don’t try to change your thought when you have an intense emotion just so you can feel better. It will compound and the ego will double down on its judgement. This exercise is meant to help you allow and process the emotion so you can get to the place of creating your intentional thought/emotion.

I recently did this exercise with a client, and she described her emotion as swirling blackhole pulling her down to rock bottom. I asked her if she could see the bottom and she couldn’t. So, I offered to her that maybe there isn’t a bottom. As infinite beings made of star dust and all that, there is not ceiling to our potential, so why would there be a bottom? I then asked her to surrender and visualize herself floating in the ‘eye of the storm’ like she was in water. Then I asked her to then imagine herself floating upwards because she was the one in control, not the blackhole storm of emotion. She pulled herself out and felt SO MUCH BETTER! It was at this point; we could then talk about what she wanted to create for herself. It was an amazing session!

I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic of resisting/allowing emotions, right/wrong vs action/consequence, or anything else post related. If this is something you need help with, don’t hesitate to reach out to me on my socials, email, or through my website. Also, please let your friends and family know about this exclusive blog/newsletter–especially if they are a leader over a team (corporate, entrepreneurial, community, etc. who are stressed and/or dealing with burnout. When they subscribe through my website, I will send them 5 Reasons Why Leaders Experience Burnout and How to Fix Them for FREE.

Have a great week and I’ll see you in your inbox next Saturday 😊